HOW TO TRAIN YOUR PROSTITUTE, biological warfare

At 35 years of age, I like to believe that I have a respectable vocabulary. When that fails me, I usually have my trusty smartphone on hand that keeps me connected (or stupid, I can't decide) to the web; ever-expanding my knowledge with just the click of a button. 

Four years ago, when presented with the word 'Groomed,' my thoughts flowed in the direction of my then career as a Performance Horse Trainer. We groom horses. Physically and mentally to ride.

However, the word "groomed" lingered in my mind. Then it became intrusive - harassing me throughout my waking and sleeping hours; poking at the shadows in my memory until eventually, years of accumulated knowledge on horse breeding, horse training, methods, theory and application begged the question: where had I learned how to use a horses own biological instincts to my advantage? How had I learned to persuade a horse to fear and trust me over and above their survival? 

Hundreds of miles, and countless years away from my past, I made a startling discovery about myself. Grooming = Human Trafficking = The Sex Slave Trade.

“My reality became a minefield of calculated perceptions; geared towards self preservation.” ~ Rayanne Irving  

At the capricious age of sixteen, I had been so thoroughly 'groomed' by a street gang, into a prostitute that I never once stopped to question if it had been something I had wanted for myself. To be truthful, the fact that I was in all actuality, groomed had not been the shocking part, the sickening part, was that I had spent fifteen years believing my 'sexual servitude' had been because, as society likes to tell all of us' old pro's', I was a damaged wonton nasty woman. 

“COURAGE DEAR HEART” ~ C.S. Lewis 

Armed with superpowers (or what the rest of the world refers to as  CPTSD), I found the courage to call myself out, and explore harbored attitudes. 

At first, only remnants of family, authentic and real love for a gang of children long disbanded, echoed along the chambers of my memories. However, slowly, as undiagnosed PTSD rose to consciousness, I came to recognize that the emotions romanticized by co-dependency and survival need to be met by a gang of youths, did not extend to the adult pimps who took control of my life after initial induction to prostitution. 

I realized that as an adult, I still feared pimps and police - not  "johns" (buyers of sex). 

So how does horse training and prostitution add up you wonder? Well, in horse performance, when you use fear to extort control, eventually something bigger and badder than you will come along. And that horse you thought you owned through controlling fear - will throw you under a bus, or off a cliff…or through a fence. Not unlike the relationship between a trafficked child/abused woman and her exploiters. 

But if you teach a horse to trust and respect you - if you become their leader and safe zone then it will take nothing more than their desire to please you, and feel a return of your love for you overthrow their instincts placing someone in control of their actions and reactions. 

Just like a prostitute and her pimp (or gang). 

I still wondered, though. Had love alone really enough to persuade me to overcome my paralyzing fear of sex? Was it possible that I had confidently traded my Cowboy Boots and the back of a horse for Stilettos and the infamous Downtown Eastside on Hastings Street in Vancouver B.C., at sixteen years old? 

Taunted by my insatiable curiosity, I plundered the internet looking for the relief of knowledge. 

“KNOWING YOURSELF IS THE BEGINNING OF ALL WISDOM”  ~Aristotle 

Armed with hyper rationality and the ability to compartmentalize, I faced off with the internet night after night. Before long bullet form statistics blurred into one long-ass list of ingredients like a 'How to' on training your own prostitute'. Impersonal words meant to describe my intimate accounts read off like a grocery shopping list.

Empathy took a back seat as maddened laughter coursed down my cheeks.

None of the words explained how or why a child (myself) could go against  all their ingrained lessons and instincts to 'seemingly', willingly mistake prostitution as a viable life choice.

PROSTITOT.  

The pimps hadn't called us that by chance, though it was an understood truth that the streets I worked were lined with girls, not women.

As the statistics and my experience began to mingle, I became a girl on fire. How was it, that all across the WORLD, no matter religion, social economics, or early behavior patterning girls are falling prey to the same particular recruitment method that I had? And why the fuck was there no real information except for the common words like 'Lured', 'Tricked', 'Manipulated' etc.?

There was a connection. 

On more than one level. I just couldn't see the whole picture yet. Discouraged, but not defeated, I sidestepped what was already known and turned to the universe. "Help me to understand my choices please!' And boy - did it deliver! A book fell (literally) at my feet titled: The Female Brain, by Louann Brizendine M.D. 

I ate it up in one sitting. 

I found myself oddly satisfied to learn that psychology alone was not the agent provocateur sent to disrupt and divide my childhood. Rather, psychology ran with a 'word-disassociation' posse made up of genetics, chemicals, hormones, and structural and functional brain differences  (which vary in each individual, and even more drastically between boys and girls). 

While the entire book by Louann Brizendine, M.D. uncovered more for me than I can share with you in one article, I have taken the time to copy and, in certain areas, paraphrase sections of her research. 

“I AM THE SUBJECT I KNOW BEST,  THE SUBJECT I WANT TO KNOW BETTER” ~Frida Kahlo

Excerpts below from The Female Brain, by Louanna Brizendine M.D.:

“I don't believe there is a single person in history who hasn't been on the receiving end of the turbulent, all-consuming passion that torments all teenage girls across the globe. The medical science behind such an upheaval in previously stable emotions is due to a seven-year period where all pubescent brains are reconstructing themselves. The elimination, growth, and strengthening of synapse flows (thought process) in neuronal circuits, leaves structurally unsound connections in the brain, leading to unreasonable, raw, and instinctual reactions to events; rather than well thought out responses with an understanding of consequence.

During times of mild-to-extreme stress (so essentially our entire adolescence), the pubescent female rides out what my own experience fondly refers to as a chemically induced shit storm. Her brain, now hijacked by the nurture chemical (estrogen) + the sex hormone (progesterone) drowns the areas in her brain that are in control of her emotions, hormones, and memory, (amygdala, hypothalamus & hippocampus) inducing reactions solely driven by biological instinct. 

‘Tend and Befriend’ : An evolutional pattern wherein social bonds formed amongst females is done to ensure their survival through shared information and promote safety! Not just for one's self or that of a mate, but in actuality for her potential offspring. 

This is where that #1 statistic, age demographic, capitalizes off of the most lethal form of grooming in the sex slave trade. (in my personal opinion) 

Hardwired for communication and nurture, within days of birth girls begin to discriminate emotional facial expressions and tonal differences in words; quickly associating self-value and needs to be met, with the responsive behaviors she garners from those around her. 

Her cornerstone for feelings of comfort belonging rests within language; connection with others. When she expresses herself through the sharing of wisdom, experiences, secrets, and intimate desires her brain delivers feel good hormones and neurochemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin) generating the largest neurological stimulation rush that a girl can receive outside of an orgasm, and shown to be on par with the high that heroin and crack addicts chase after. 

So for a girl, who's never experienced sexual gratification or narcotics - friendship becomes her drug of choice. Like any addict, when faced with an obstacle that might threaten an end to the good times, the female brain can enter into a nuclear meltdown. The very idea of upsetting the balance creates feelings of rejection, fear, anxiety, because she knows innately this can lead to arguments, restriction, and ultimately separation. This is because as the hormones serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine are withdrawn, the stress hormone cortisol begins to flood the brain and body. 

The result? Only one message gets forwarded to her new address at ‘Hormotional Boulevard’: prevent and ease the conflict AT ALL COSTS to ensure survival.”

“I HAVE DECIDED TO STICK WITH LOVE. HATE IS TOO GREAT A  BURDEN TO BEAR”  ~Martin Luther King

So it was, that in the centre of my past trauma (i.e., epigenetics, childhood patterning, betrayal, rape, street tribalism, abandonment, sisterhood) The final 'Take Down' had been Biological Instinct. My female' superior brain' - hardwired for communication, emotional connection, and survival of potential offspring, made a biologically-motivated decision without consulting my sanity or our future. 

Now, this part, I know it's not what people want to hear, but I'm going to tell it to you anyway if you dare to keep reading:

Little has changed concerning my emotions since I learned more about the brain, except that my compassion has grown. I still willingly choose to feel the love I felt in my heart for the "gang" that recruited me. That same love is extended to the johns, old pros' and even abusive pimps. Because I know they were out there struggling the same as myself. They too were caught up in generational trauma, biological instincts, and behavioral patterning. Doing the best they could to survive. 

Some will think I am naive, referring to my choice as somatic memory or even arguing and labelling it as Stockholm Syndrome. 

Nonetheless, I choose to embrace love as my inner compass to self-value and peace. My experiences' perspective is no less real or invalid because I can add hindsight and science to the mix. Another person actions or hidden agenda have no reflection in my reality because I make my own choices and stand steadfast with accountability. I would encourage any other who has walked in my stilettos, to embrace this truth wholeheartedly with me.